


Broken smile

by onewgoon



Category: K-pop, SHINee
Genre: Angst, M/M, One-Sided Attraction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-22
Updated: 2015-07-22
Packaged: 2018-04-10 16:01:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4398275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onewgoon/pseuds/onewgoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Besides if Kibum could have got hurt by the absence of those few letters, Jinki would have probably whispered them in his ear, but it is obvious Jinki is the only victim of this non-existence. So he stays quiet and observes from afar the man he’d probably never get to call ‘mine’ and tries to ease his aching heart, but it’s hard, it’s painful and unpleasant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken smile

Jinki’s eyes are too glued to the man in front of him to notice his members’ worried glances would throw at him, and the elder can’t help but let his gaze rake over Kibum’s perfect figure, drowning himself into his delicate features, his heart fluttering when Kibum’s feline eyes squint a little to give him a more serious, manly expression. Jinki was stuck in his own world, the thick, huge walls keeping his ears away from grabbing the photographer’s ecstatic voice, preaching Kibum’s talent for photoshoots, how flawless he always looks, how he is able to get the vibe and adjust himself to it. Kibum is a muse, a perfect human being. Jinki doesn’t need to hear those words though, because he’s just well too aware of that reality, of how unique and ideal Kibum is, Jinki knows it better than anyone else seeing as his eyes have never been able to look at anyone, anything else than the man now taking his jacket off as demanded by the photographer. It was pathetic and somehow endearing to the other members’ eyes, how Jinki was so obvious about his feelings and still Kibum never noticed it, in nine years, Kibum who had to be the least oblivious person in the world. How ironic. Taemin, Minho and Jonghyun could have laughed about it really, they could have teased their leader and made fun of him, but the look in the elder’s eyes when they’d land on the slightly taller man just prevents them from doing so. Jinki doesn’t remember exactly when he fell for the younger man, he just knows it has been so long he almost had got used to the pike of hurt that would daily go through his heart. Almost. But not quite entirely.

Jinki tried to let out the words that have been weighing so heavy on his tongue for all those years, so many times they almost crossed his lips but then he’d remember he has no right to give shapes to his feelings. Admitting them out loud is so wrong. Besides if Kibum could have got hurt by the absence of those few letters, Jinki would have probably whispered them in his ear, but it is obvious Jinki is the only victim of this non-existence. So he stays quiet and observes from afar the man he’d probably never get to call ‘mine’ and tries to ease his aching heart, but it’s hard, it’s painful and unpleasant.

Sometimes Jinki feels like the main character of a romance novel, the kind of story where that boy is secretly in love with his best friend and never told her but one day she tells him she loves him and everything is beautiful, bright and as colorful as a rainbow. But Jinki isn’t stupid – it’s quite the opposite actually – and even less naive; he’d never let himself get his hopes up, he just knows there is no happy ending for him. There are some people on this earth who are fated to let their love go in order not to hurt anyone in their surroundings, and Jinki is one of them.

Jinki could have kept on putting on this act for years, really, but Kibum ruined everything on that night. The elder should have seized this chance to run away, to cut all the strings tying him up to this one-sided love, but the almighty slender man was too engraved in his heart, in his thoughts and nothing could drive him out anyway.

The photoshoot is finally over and it’s time for the whole group to get back to the dorm, so the five men all bow down to the staff, thank yous and relieved sighs filling up the room, tiredness marking the idols’ faces as they walk toward the van.

“Kibum should we drop you to your flat?” the manager asks once the five members are all seated in the vehicle. Jinki is sat next to Kibum and he tries really hard not to think of their shoulders and thighs bumping together at every haul of the wheel.

“No, no need, I’ll just sleep at the dorm tonight.” Kibum answers, instinctively sliding his hand from his own thigh to Jinki’s.

The silence – only broken by Jonghyun’s soft snoring – is somehow peaceful, relaxing, but it’s not enough for Jinki’s heart to slow down. It doesn’t matter how many times Kibum touches him, it’s always the same, he can’t control his reactions and how his body tenses up under the younger’s fingers.

And tonight, as usual, Kibum doesn’t notice anything; he doesn’t see how his soft caresses on the leader’s thighs drive the latter a little more to the edge, how it makes the crack in his heart a little larger, deeper. However Jinki is stronger than that, after all those years of practice, so he just puts up with the skinship until they arrive at the dorm. He just wonders what if that crack becomes so wide it splits his heart in two, would he be able to survive and pretends as if nothing happened? He doubts it, he highly does.

The ambience is somehow heart-warming and in spite of the obvious tiredness the five men feel good, joyful; that’s probably what drove Jonghyun – who is now fully awake – to submit the idea of playing a drinking game when they reached the living room, Minho Taemin and Kibum slumping down on the sofa while Jonghyun and Jinki sit on the floor. 

“So what about a truth or dare?” Jonghyun asks, leaning his back against Minho’s long legs.

Taemin whines and shakes his head no “please no, we’re already stuck together 24/7, there’s nothing we don’t know about each other!”

Minho quickly steals an unnoticed glance at Jinki and smiles sadly:

“That’s not true though, we all have secrets.”

At those words, Jinki nods; he never felt at ease when playing truth or dare, because even if he could trust the three other members to never ask a question such as “are you in love hyung, if so with who?” he couldn’t be sure Kibum would never speak those words out loud.

Despite all of Taemin’s whinging the five men end up playing truth and dare and sit up in circle, bottles of alcohol placed in front of their legs, next to plastic cups. The game starts with nice, funny dares as no one choose truth and the laughs fill up the room, warming Jinki’s insides. Seeing his members messing around, huge beams stuck on their faces, is one of the leader’s favourite sights. All he wants is them to be happy and to enjoy their lives; their job isn’t an easy one, tiredness being something that always weighs them down, but still they made a living out of their passion and Jinki always tries his best to always remind them they are privileged people and that they should the most out of it while they still can.

Jonghyun knocks a shot of alcohol down and turn his head to face Kibum:

“Kibum, truth or dare?”

The latter takes his chin between his index and thump and pretends to do some thinking before smirking and replying cheerfully:

“Dare!”

It’s Jonghyun turn to smirk and Jinki panics, his mind in a fog because of alcohol, but he’s just not drunk enough to not wonder anxiously what is going through Jonghyun’s head. 

“Take your clothes off – except your boxers – then take the elevator to the ground floor and come back to the dorm.”

Kibum cocks an eyebrow, but quickly the corners of his mouth curl up into a smile: “Okay fine, let’s do it.” And the diva starts taking off his clothes, to Jinki’s great dismay, shamelessly showing his fair unsullied skin to everyone in the room – nothing anyone here has never seen however. But Jinki’s heart skips a beat as he tries not to let his eyes drinking too much of the perfection in front of him, but the tips of his fingers itch and all he wants is to graze that soft skin, he wants to let his tongue travel on Kibum’s protruding collarbones, he wants his teeth to gently nibble at it, wondering what it would feel to have Kibum’s burning body trapped between his own and the mattress. How great would it feel to have Kibum’s legs tightly wrapped around his waist? A cough snaps him back into reality and his eyes meet with Minho’s worried ones: 

“You were staring hyung” the younger whispers low enough so only Jinki can hear. The latter blushes hard, groaning and burying his face into his hands; sometimes he forgets he is obvious as anything and that all the members – except oblivious Kibum - are aware of Jinki’s uncontrollable feelings. It’s ironic, Jinki thinks. If I’m not confessing to that stupid Kibum, it’s only because of them, because I don’t want to waste what we have and if Kibum – and he’s pretty sure it’s the case – doesn’t feel the same way as I do the group wouldn’t last more than a few months. I can’t take that away from them only because of my selfish one-sided sentiments. He feels Minho’s hand patting his back in an up and down motion in some sort of comfort as he hears Kibum barging into the dorm, roaring with laughter.

“That old lady looked at me as if I were an alien, oh Jonghyun you should have seen her face” Kibum hiccups, tears gathering at the corner of his eyes and his hand clutching his stomach. He grabs his jeans and puts them on as he goes to sit next to Jinki, his eyes not able to stare at the same thing for too long under the influence of all the alcohol he’s gulped down tonight. The leader really wants to ask him to slip on his shirt but he knows it’d make Kibum have a sudden interest in teasing him and Jinki could barely handle him casually playing with his fingers.

To forget how badly he craves the younger’s touch, Jinki drinks up a shot, and another, another and another thinking they’d turn him insensitive to Kibum’s fingers tracing circles on the inside of his wrists, but instead it makes Jinki even more aware of the warm skin against his own. Of how the light graze burns his skin so much Jinki wouldn’t be surprised if it leaves marks on it. His brain tells him to get angry at Kibum for being so oblivious and for leading him on like this, it tells him to push the younger away and run as fast as he can before his heart breaks into million pieces. But Jinki is way too drunk to pay attention to the warnings and as he watches Taemin putting on a wig and high heels, he just lays his head on Kibum’s shoulder, the latter immediately starting to stroke the leader’s brown soft hair. And even though his heart banging against his ribs should keep him fully awake, Jinki’s eyelids feel so heavy, and all he wants is to cuddle under the duvet with Kibum and fall asleep with the younger’s warm body in his arms.

“Hyung, let’s go to sleep” he hears Kibum’s voice slow and thick from alcohol echoing in his hear. Jinki tries to get up at the same time as Kibum and the elder almost drags him into his drop as his feet tangles and trip over an obstacle that doesn’t exist. Kibum laughs –oh lord, how can even his laugh be so beautiful, so addictive? – and wraps his hand around Jinki’s biceps to catch hold of his leader. “Jinki you shouldn’t drink more than you can handle!” Kibum teases as he drags Jinki to his room and pushes him to his bed, smiling softly: “sleep now hyung.” However Jinki grabs the front of Kibum’s jeans to hold him back and the latter gasps at the leader’s sudden daring move. “Sleep with me Kibum…” the elder mumbles, pulling Kibum closer and dragging him down to the bed. Before Kibum refuses and before this beautiful unreal dream vanishes, Jinki wraps his arms around the younger’s waist and presses his chest to Kibum’s bare back, burying his nose into the nape of Kibum’s neck and inhaling deeply to drown himself into his love’s sweet, enslaving scent.

And for the first time in years, the smile painted on Jinki’s face has nothing to do with the broken smile he is used to pull on, no, it just shows pure bliss, joy and happiness. The alcohol in his veins allows him to forget this is an illusion, that the man in his arms will never love him back, but right now it doesn’t matter and Jinki just wishes he can pretend, pretend everything’s alright and that his heart isn’t wounded beyond healing.

Jinki falls asleep, soothed by the thought that maybe he does deserve a happy ending. Perhaps Kibum can mend his cracked heart. He is the one who damaged it but what if he’ll be the one to put it back in one piece?

 

Kibum don’t leave me.

 

Please stay.

 

Be by my side.

 

Forever.

 

Be mine.

 

Ki-Kibum I love you. I always have.

 

The whispers echo in the darkness of the room, interspersed with quiet pained sobs, resonating and ringing into Kibum’s ears like a sad song. His heart sinks as he sits up, unknotting Jinki’s arms solidly twined around his waist. The revelation hits him like a wrecking ball, smashes his feelings and unpleasantly puts the pieces together in his head. All the glances, gazes and smiles he chose to ignore just to spare his own heart. All the spoken words and unspoken words. How could he be so blind? Is he really the reason behind that broken smile he is used to see drawn on Jinki’s lips? Is he the reason behind these sorrowful and wistful eyes? Has he been really so self-centered for all these years that he never noticed he is the reason why Jinki has never ever looked fully, unconditionally happy? Kibum always thought Jinki behaves like this because he’s the leader and that all he is doing is for the member’s happiness. Kibum always thought the group is the reason why Jinki looks so unhappy and broken.

A tear rolls down Kibum’s cheek as his eyes land on Jinki’s pained face. With the tip of his finger, the younger caresses Jinki’s jaw line, grazing ever so slightly over his lips, his touch as light as a feather, as ephemeral as a mayfly.

“I’m so sorry Jinki, so so so sorry… I-“ Kibum closes his eyes and rubs them with the palms of his hands. “Please forgive me…”

His words sound so empty, so fake, there are not quite enough but he can’t do anything. There’s nothing he can do to ease Jinki’s pain and he perfectly knows it, so he runs away before breaking apart.

 

So cold, so cold, so cold.

Jinki wakes up to find his bed empty, even though in his mind he can still remember the warmth he held close to his chest while closing his eyes and slowly drifting into sleep. So it was only a dream after all. A nice, vivid, colorful dream.

The corners of Jinki’s lips curl into that sad, broken smile that disappeared for a few hours thanks to that dream. He smiles and shuts his eyes close, chasing away the tears gathering behind his eyelids.

 

When the man grabs his hair to pull him into a heated kiss, Kibum can only think of smaller, thicker and warmer hands.

When the man smashes their lips together, all Kibum can think of is plumper, softer lips.

When he presses his body hard against Kibum’s, the latter can only imagine a smaller, better built body, he can only see defined collarbones, muscled and strong arms and broad shoulders.

When the man’s eyes meet his own, Kibum wishes they were darker, softer, deeper. He wishes they would turn into little crescents when he smiles.

When Kibum buries his fingers into the other’s hair he wishes it was shorter, softer, browner.

When Kibum comes, the other buried deep inside him, he can only scream a name that doesn’t belong to the man in his bed.

His heart beats fast, chanting two syllables that are so familiar to Kibum’s ears.

A name that didn’t hold so much meaning before that night. Before those words.

 

Badump- Badump- Badump.

Jinki- Jinki- Jinki.

 

And Kibum realizes, maybe, all this time he wasn’t only oblivious to Jinki’s feelings, but probably also his own.

And now they are slicing into his heart, leaving deep wounds from where scatter millions of unspoken words, hundreds of ignored glances.

A whisper resonates into the dark lonely night; sincerity is oozing from it, the words cloaking themselves in pain.

“I promise I’ll mend your wounded heart and fix your broken smile, I swear I will eventually, Jinki.”


End file.
